


Shattered

by FrickingKaos



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 14:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrickingKaos/pseuds/FrickingKaos
Summary: Nick is reflective after the passing of his father and turns to Kevin for advice.





	Shattered

It was the scariest text that I'd ever gotten in my life. I had been in the shower and come back to four missed calls. One of them was from Lauren, three from Aaron and one from Angel. 

Followed by a text from Aaron. 

Dude pick up the phone….it's Dad. 

My father and I never had the best relationship over the years. Then again, I didn't have a good relationship with my parents period. Growing up, I always wanted the TV mom and dad like on Leave It To Beaver or something like that. I always resented not having that. So when Lauren told me she was pregnant I was determined to give that to Odin. 

I called Aaron and he broke the news to me, he was a complete wreck. I know he was on better terms with Dad but I listened to him break down on the phone and saw his tweets that day, posting photos of them together. 

“How did it happen?” I asked Angel after spending half the night driving to LA and getting to her place. She hugged me but she was dealing with the whole thing better than Aaron, which I expected. Aaron was not as good at hiding his emotions as I was. 

“Heart attack.” was all my sister could say. 

After we talked, Aaron and BJ showed up. It was so weird without Leslie. I don't think all of us had been together since she passed and it hit us suddenly. I held it together. 

“Has anyone called mom?” Aaron asked. I looked at the floor. I hadn't talked to my mother since she went off on Facebook about my wife. She had emailed me but I ignored all of her messages, not giving her the satisfaction that she got to me. My family was never shy of drama...I think that's where my brother gets it from. He definitely has his share of it on social media despite my advice against engaging. I figure one day he'll learn. 

“I talked to her but she didn't seem to care.” BJ explained. She kept trying to catch my eye but didn't speak to me. 

The next few days were hell. I had my PR person release a statement, so the fans wouldn't say a whole lot. I tried to act normal as I could but the whole time I thought back to when it was just me and my parents, when we were all happy to eat chicken nuggets in the back of a pickup truck. I kind of blamed my money hungry mother. 

“Nick, are you okay?” Angel asked. 

“Sure.” 

“You don't seem like it.”

I put on the best, fakest smile I could for her and hugged her. 

“Don't worry, I'll be fine.”

I distracted myself after that with the episodes of Boyband we were filming and getting back into rehearsing for the final round of residency shows in Vegas. I pushed everything away and didn't talk about my dad to anyone. Keeping busy felt safe. Keeping busy kept me room from feeling anything at all. It kept me from thinking about it. 

It didn't hit me until one night I sat on the couch, with my son laying on my chest that my dad was really gone. I looked at my son, his face buried into my shirt as he slept happily. I kissed his forehead and the tears came. All I could think of was my dad and how I had now stepped into his shoes. Would I be able to give Odin what I didn't get? 

“Honey, are you okay?” I heard Lauren ask from across the room. She watched me with cautious eyes. I blinked, and shifted in my chair. 

“Yeah, I'm fine. Can you take him? I think I am going to go for a walk.” I lied. She nodded, taking Odin from me and being careful not to wake him. Leaving the house, I texted the one person I knew would understand. I had to talk to someone. Someone who understood. 

So I called the one person who would. 

 

“Now I know you didn't ask me to come here for the view. What's bothering you?” Kevin said with a small smile as we looked out over the lights of Las Vegas. We were parked on a hilltop outside town and I had found it very peaceful. The lights of the Vegas strip were just starting to light against the orange and red hues of the sunset behind them. It was a scene unlike anything I'd laid eyes on and everything was serene. I often came out to see it on our days off. 

 

“I needed some company.” 

“You could have asked Brian.”

“I didn't.”

Kevin nodded, putting a hand on my back. 

“It's not your fault, you know.” he whispered. 

I must have looked confused because he continued as if I asked why. 

“You can't blame yourself like you did with Leslie.” 

I hated that he was bringing her up. It was almost her birthday. Why did this have to happen now? I fought back tears again and just sat there in silence. 

“I just wanted to save them, Kevin.”

Kevin reached over and embraced me. I could hear his heart beating against my ear, it was soothing. Kevin always had that way with me even though he can come off as intimidating, he puts me at ease. I found myself crying into his shoulder like I'd done back at my old school when we filmed the documentary. Days of emotions that I'd bottled up spilled over. 

“I know you did, but the most important thing is that you're here for someone else. Someone that will be there to pick you up when you get down. You are doing a wonderful job being a dad to that boy.” Kevin whispered. 

“Kevin, don't you ever wish you spent more time with your dad? What if we didn't do any of this?” I asked.

“I don't regret doing any of it, Nick. We all die. Just some of us are ready to go before others. You cannot keep questioning what God's motives are. It's what you do with your life that matters.” 

I nodded and wiped my eyes….sniffing. He hugged me again and kept his arm around me. 

“Nick, it's okay to feel sad about your father but all this that you're doing isn't good for you. You need to let yourself grieve.”

 

I silently agreed with him. That night I called my siblings….and we arranged for a quiet ceremony in the Florida Keys. We all smiled silently at one another and I smiled back as we held hands. 

It was then that I finally felt at peace. 

“Nick, do you want to say something?”

 

I looked up when Angel spoke. I'd been quiet until that point. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. 

“Dad, I know we didn't have the greatest relationship. I know you were not a perfect man. I guess I took after you, but I am going to show my son what a father should be. I know you loved us and did your best. That's all I can do. I love you…”

I lowered my head and we all said a prayer as the sun set in front of us. 

I would hug Odin extra tight when I went home.


End file.
